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Tarot gazing

Jun 172006

Headlines Today should immediately be conferred with India’s silliest news channel award. While every other news channel is analysing Argentina’s rout of Serbia & Montenegro, and van Persie’s wonderstrike against Ivory Coast, HT sent one of its reporters to spend time with a tarot expert.The tarot woman was so much fun.

Reporter: “What does the World Cup hold for Thierry Henry?”

Tarot Reader: “Please pick a card… As we can see from the card, Henry is very talented. France is a good team. Both of them should be doing well, much better than their current showing. The tarot points to the fact that they will go a long way.”

(I wonder how people manage to joke without actually laughing.)

Reporter: “What about Ronaldo? Everyone’s been saying he is uninterested, clumsy and fat” (unmindful of the size of the tarot reader!)

Tarot Reader: “Please pick a card… Ronaldo is blessed with a lot of intelligence. He should be doing better. The card shows it. It says ‘beyond greed’, so he can shatter every record.”

Reporter: “What about Tomas Rosicky?”

Tarot Reader: “The card says he seems bogged down, tired. He should go back to nature. Try yoga, meditation. Maybe he will shine in another World Cup. Not this one.”

Reporter: “Will Wayne Rooney save England?”

Tarot Reader: “The card says, in 9-10 days, Rooney will be able to take England to greater heights. Not immediately, but in a few days’ time.”

Reporter: “Lionel Messi, the young Maradona, is touted as the next best thing…”

Tarot Reader: “The card says it can only get better for Messi.”

Fifteen solid minutes of fun came to an end thus. I don’t understand how tarot cards work. At least, those who read horoscopes have something to base their predictions upon. But tarot cards? Suppose I asked this lady, “How will I fare in the World Cup?”, and I picked the same card which was picked up for Messi? Does that mean I, Vijay, am going to score in the next game against Netherlands?

With regard to sporting competitions, always take such predictions with a jar of salt. Didn’t some popular astrologers predict that New Zealand will face the West Indies in the 2003 Cricket World Cup Final?

And in any case, Ronaldinho won’t pull off a magic strike just because I picked a card. It simply doesn’t happen that way.

The irony

Humour, Miscellaneous 4 Responses »

Jun 052006

Practitioners of the medical profession are supposed to take an oath – the Hippocratic Oath – so named because it is believed to have been written by Hippocrates, the Father of Medicine according to the Greeks. It begins thus:

I swear by Apollo the physician, by Æsculapius, Hygeia, and Panacea, and I take to witness all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgement, the following Oath.

Going by the current debate on all the English news channels, one can spot an irony. It has now been concluded by these channels that the Apollo report was doctored (wow, an unintentional wordplay, really!).

I wonder what would have happened had this report been considered as true. In court, Rahul Mahajan’s lawyers would have said:

Your Honour, my client is not guilty; I swear by Apollo!

And had the doctors who prepared the report been asked to testify in court, what would that have been called? The Hypocritic Oath?

Election fun

Humour, Politics 5 Responses »

May 112006

As the counting progresses, it seems evident that the DMK alliance is going to form the next government. However, the guys at Rediff.com, definitely over-enthusiastic I’m sure, are showing a surplus number os seats for the alliance. Check this out!

Chennai-Delhi distance, boon or bane?

Humour, Politics 2 Responses »

May 072006

CNN-IBN’s Battle for Tamil Nadu was probably the best election show by a “northern” news channel on tomorrow’s elections. Perhaps I’m supporting the show because it was shot in the lawns of my alma mater, but really it was much better than NDTV’s show hosted by Barkha Dutt – the latter was simply too distant from the people.

Cho Ramaswamy was there, as he was in NDTV’s show the other day; it is a tribute to his popularity that he is sought after by every news channel. And Cho-isms were in abundance. The best of it all was this…

Rajdeep: “So, is the Chennai-Delhi distance a boon or a bane? Mr Ramaswamy, you have the final word.”
Cho: “Without doubt, the distance is a boon. You can pack off 60 people from Tamil Nadu, and keep them a long distance away from here. Of course, it is a boon!”

The Girlfriend Maintenance Allowance

Humour, Politics 19 Responses »

May 022006

(a fictitious glance at burning election issues in future elections)

Chennai, c. 2011 AD – In a bid to garner the attention of the youth of the State, the main opposition party has announced, as part of its election manifesto, a new allowance called GilMA – Girlfriend Maintenance Allowance. When asked, party sources informed this reporter that the people of this state who were given land, food, clothing and entertainment for free, are now clamouring for new and improved freebies.

It has come to light that whenever a boy and a girl go out on a date, it is the poor guy who has to spend a fortune on his lass. This imbalance has resulted in a statewide protest by the youth to bring down prices of cinema tickets, gift articles and designer apparel. An appalled government has been at pains to set right the situation in the state.

In an exclusive interview the leader of Opposition in the Assembly argues that if the Opposition is voted to power, they will dole out Rs. 2000 every month as an allowance to every committed male in the State. This money is exempt from taxes. The leader of the Opposition also enlightens us by putting forth the theory that such an allowance would add to the spending power of the youth of State, thus spurring economic growth in the State.

This new TV ad is the craze of the state.

Cut – three or four guys in some college campus. One person ventures “Dey, namma mattum thaan kaasu selavu pannanuma? Indha ponnunga purse-i veliya edukka maattaangala? Namakku eppoda vidivu kaalam varum?” (“Why should only boys spend on girls? Will they never take out their purses? When will this situation change?”) – cut – “Enga katchikku vote podunga. Maasam 2000 rupaai vaangikkunga. Jolly-a enjoy pannunga!” (“Vote for our party. Get 2000 rupees per month. Enjoy!”)

Arguably, the ruling party is baffled by this new election assurance by the Opposition. Not wanting to be left behind, it has just now come up with a better scheme. It has announced an allowance Rs 25,000 per year for all males between the ages of 18 and 30 in the state, irrespective of whether they have girlfriends or not. Also, there is a rumour that the Government is considering an additional allowance of Rs 25,000 per extra girlfriend, upto a maximum of 3! Sources close to the ruling party reveal that a special scheme, targeting single-and-looking males called GaG – Get A Girlfriend – is also on the cards.

Catch-22

Humour 4 Responses »

Mar 232006

Q: Describe a catch-22 situation that you were in…

A: Once, I was in Ayanavaram (a locality in Chennai), and wanted to go to Anna Square (also in Chennai). I didn’t have a bike or a car. There were no auto-rickshaws either. I thought I was stranded. I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully, bus # 22 came along, and I caught it, and reached my intended destination safely. That’s a catch 22 situation I’ve been in!

Help and grow rich

Humour, Personal 12 Responses »

Feb 062006

“Some are born wealthy.
Some achieve wealth.
And some have wealth thrust upon them.”

I should consider myself to belong to the third variety. But this thrust-upon-me wealth might as well lead me into bigtime trouble, because I now find myself in the midst of an international conspiracy, one so big, that Robert Ludlum, if he were alive, would write a novel with Vijay Krishna as the central character.It all started two weeks ago. Sergeant Irwin Shawn of the US Army contacted me. It seems he belonged to the First Armored Division that entered Baghdad during the Iraq War a couple of years ago. As luck would have it, Sgt. Shawn stumbled upon a mountain of cash, which was so much it took him a good 2 years just to count it. The Sergeant estimates the amount to be 250 million US dollars. It seems Sgt. Shawn has inquired far and wide for a man with good investment skills. And (as I hold a triple major – summa cum laude – in Finance, Banking and Capital Markets from the Wharton School) he wants me to invest the sum. For this help, I get to keep 40% of the sum – 100 million dollars, all in 100-dollar notes.

I was at first skeptical about this. My south Indian brain, with all its in-built conservatism and sense of security, urged me not to trust a renegade sergeant. However, yesterday, Major Richard Atwater of the same division sent me a mail. Major Atwater (who attended graduate school with me) urged me sincerely that even he was taking only 30%, but was offering me the lion’s share. I missed sleep last night thinking about the things I could do with a hundred million. That’s a cool 440 crores in Indian money. I could have breakfast with Aishwarya Rai, lunch with Mallika Sherawat and dine with Katrina Kaif. I am prepared to ignore the fact that they are not good at cooking. Even better, I could holiday in Provence forever.

I had almost finished composing a reply to Major Atwater, when in came a pleasant surprise. Princess Stella Ajana of Nigeria needs my help. And she wishes to transform me instantly into her Knight in Shining Armour. This damsel in distress wants to commence a long-term relationship with me, if I help her family out in investing a sum of 7.35 million USD. On the one hand, there is Major Atwater’s 100 million, endless holidays in Provence, Ash, Katrina and others. On the other hand, there is this seemingly paltry sum of 7 million, but it comes with a Nigerian princess as an added attraction. What do I do?

I think I have decided. Of what use is so much money to me? If I don’t have someone else to enjoy it with? And that someone is a princess? Dilemma? No dilemma! After all, what’s life without a royal challenge! I’m going to mail Princess Ajana — no, my wonderful Stella. I’ll give her a helping hand, and win hers in love. Rest assured, dear reader, you might have heard of platonic love. This is one, and I’m the ONE!

See ya in Nigeria!

Raaja… raajaadhi raajan indha raaja!

Can you feel it?

Humour, Miscellaneous 3 Responses »

Feb 012006

Just back from a dinner hosted by a colleague. This happened over dessert…

I was telling a colleague what I had heard about ice-creams – “You know, Aman, someone told me this. Seems like when you eat ice-cream, it triggers some part of your brain, and you feel some sensations as you do when you are in love. Am not sure how true it is though.”

Aman, feeling very concerned, replied, “Well, Vijay, after eating this ice-cream, I’m feeling an ache in this tooth. Could this be the same thing as in love?”

At your dis-service

Humour, Miscellaneous 3 Responses »

Dec 132005

Seen at the Chennai International Airport two nights ago…

For any inconvenience, please contact the Airport Manager.

Poor soul!

I can resist everything except temptation!

Humour 1 Response »

Oct 202005

Even if you are God…

Humour, Miscellaneous 2 Responses »

Oct 032005

Yesterday, my uncle and I took a drive as far as Tiruninravur, a small temple town, some 20 kilometres from Chennai. On the way, we were discussing a host of issues. The topic turned to how the three primary Gods of the Hindu pantheon all had divine consorts, and how this was a distinguishing feature of the Hindu religion.My uncle remarked that an exception was the Lord (Venkateshwara / Srinivasa / Balaji) of Tirumala, the most prominent of all Hindu temples. He remarked that the Lord of the Seven Hills stands alone, repaying his debts. (The Lord is supposed to have taken a loan from Kubera, and is repaying it even today.)

I couldn’t help blurting out… “There is a significance to it. Even if you are God, you will be left alone if you are laden with debts!”

Why we needn’t fear China!

Humour 4 Responses »

Sep 242005

There is so much talk about the 2008 Beijing Olympics, and how China is running mass English language programmes, so that every man (woman, child…) will be fluent in English. Naysayers in India feel that this should be end of the BPO (aka call centre) road for India, because once the Chinese master English, our only competitive advantage would be challenged.But here’s something we can take heart from. If the following is true, millions of Indian who make a living by faking their voices and names can rest assured.

Room Service (RS): “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”

Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”

RS: “Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??”

G: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs.”

RS: “Ow July den?”

G: “What??”

RS: “Ow July den?…pryed, boyud, poochd?”

G: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”

RS: “Ow July dee baykem? Crease?”

G: “Crisp will be fine.”

RS: “Hokay. An Sahn toes?”

G: “What?”

RS: “An toes. July Sahn toes?”

G: “I don’t think so.”

RS: “No? Judo wan sahn toes??”

G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes means.”

RS: “Toes! toes!…Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?”

G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

RS: “We bodder?”

G: “No…just put the bodder on the side.”

RS: “Wad?”

G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side.”

RS: “Copy?”

G: “Excuse me?”

RS: “Copy…tea…meel?”

G: “Yes. Coffee, please, and that’s all.”

RS: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy….rye??”

G: “Whatever you say.”

RS: “Tenjewberrymuds.”

G: “You’re very welcome.”

Project teams and girls

Humour 1 Response »

Sep 162005

My friend, Selva, has posted a set of laws that govern the staffing of project teams. Here is that Body of Knowledge!Law 1: The good looking babes always join the other projects.

Law 2a: Your project is always…

For those who seek complete enlightenment, the full list of laws is available here.

How the Swift was designed

Humour, Miscellaneous 6 Responses »

Jul 152005

[This is a VKpedia exclusive!]

Maruti’s recently launched Swift has been topping the charts since its release. Only today did I have the good fortune to observe it from different angles and be bowled over by the beauty and aesthetic elegance of this engineering marvel. Hoping to find out more, I ventured to the car’s website, and found out that the car was designed with a fresh approach to design – no doubt!

Here’s my take on how they might have hit upon this fresh new approach…

The head designer of the Swift team returned home one evening and found that his four year old was playing with the computer. When the designer went closer, he saw that the kid wasn’t exactly playing but drawing something on Paint. One look and the trained eye set the designer’s mind on overdrive. Here’s that picture.

Voilà, there it was – and what fresher approach can you get? It was immediately emailed to all members of the design team. Everyone was impressed, they felt they were had a winner. And it is! The Swift – India’s best designed car – is out there with that fabulous “back-end” that can put everything from Oracle to Jennifer Lopez to shame -;)

Everyone has his own views on the looks of cars, and it is impossible to please each of them. Some say the new Honda City resembles a duck. One of the early ads for the Tata Indica used to mock indirectly at Maruti by calling its cars box-shaped and bean-shaped. One reviewer called the Versa, a Breadbox-on-Wheels. Now what of the Swift? Hmm, yes… I’ll call this one Pumpkin-on-Wheels!